getting over | J Cooper

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A humble perspective about love and relationships

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June 7, 2017

A perspective about love and relationships.

I recently heard the Dierks Bentley song, “Different for Girls” Which is essentially a song about how it’s harder for girls to get over a broken heart. Which is all really just a matter of perspective, I know people who never really loved their S.O (Significant other) And when things don’t work out, they move on pretty effortlessly. At the same time, I’ve seen people break up because they didn’t feel that spark or attraction anymore, yet they still suffered, because they had grown attached to the other person, a lot of times they still even like the other person but things just didn’t work out.

As a guy, I’ve had female friends who I tried consoling tell me that I don’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart. They’ve explained girl’s feel things deeper and more profoundly than I ever could, because I’m a guy. But I can speak from experience, everyone feels heartbreak. Men are not immune to these effects; we can’t just turn it off, or rush into someone else’s bed and move on. In truth, we don’t know really know how to handle or deal with a broken heart. Partially because we’ve been told our whole lives that “boys don’t cry.” Or to Man up, whenever we’re feeling down, or depressed. So we don’t express ourselves by crying and eating ice cream, or having a girl’s night. Because a guy doesn’t want to bring down our friends, we really don’t want anyone feeling sorry for us, or looking at us like we’re weak. I’ve seen my guy friends drink themselves into oblivion and crying about the one who got away.

Heartbreak for me though always hits hard and it never gets any easier, it does in fact get harder. Because with every failed relationship, I learn more and more of myself, then I become more reluctant to get involved with anyone again. So when I do fall in love again, it’s never on purpose, it just sort of happens. Then I give that person more of myself than I had with my last relationship, because I’ve learned from past mistakes and I’ve been given the chance to mature more emotionally. But when those relationships fail, I can act childish, petty, sometimes I just break down and cry for days and weeks at a time, but most of the time…I just feel emptied out and hollowed. At my best, I can simply walk away avoiding any drama and the long drawn out breakup. You know when you find yourself both angry that they’re leaving, hurt by it, and depressed all at the same time, where a part of you wants them to hurt as much as you’re hurting, because if they’re hurting too, it must mean they love you too and maybe the two of you can work it out and get back together…But usually that never happens because of you said, it did something that’s unforgivable, or incredibly hurtful.
More recently, I suffered yet another heartbreak, now upon writing this as of now, I have no idea where our relationship stands, I don’t know if we’ll get back together, or not. But I can tell you it hurts. A hurt so profound I’ve been diagnosed with stress-induced cardiomyopathy, in lament terms, it translates to broken heart syndrome. Yeah I didn’t know it was a real thing either and as I sat there in the doctor’s office, I found out people can die from it. In broken heart syndrome, a part of your heart temporarily enlarges and doesn’t pump well, while the rest of your heart functions normally or with even more forceful contractions. Researchers are just starting to learn the causes, and how to diagnose and treat it.

The bad news: Broken heart syndrome can lead to severe, short-term heart muscle failure.

The good news: Broken heart syndrome is usually treatable. Most people who experience it make a full recovery within weeks, and they’re at low risk for it happening again (although in rare cases in can be fatal).

And I will tell you now, it sucks, from the shortness of breath, to the chest pains, and knowing the longer it affects me the more damage it can cause my heart. So the romantic part of me can’t help but think, it’ll be something else to someone who actually dies from a broken heart, not to sound morbid or depressing, but a part of me finds the prospect of dying from broken heart syndrome to be a bit romantic. The writer and creator in me can’t help but imagine what wondrous works of fiction someone might write about me upon hearing my story.

But I digress. Losing someone I care about…hurts, and I can’t help but sink into what feels like a bottomless pit of despair. I feel broken, incomplete and confused about everything that happened and what’s going on right now. Now I know for man being in a relationship with someone for over a year might not seem like much for them, but for me, it’s a lifetime. And it hurts, and all I want is to get her back, granted we’ll have to rebuild some trust to move forward and leave the past behind. I understand the situation, or I think I do. She was/is my best friend, my lover, the best part of me, who made me feel like the king of the world. I still sometimes find myself glancing down at my phone in hopes of seeing a message from her.

I won’t lie, I’m an emotional wreck, and I’m struggling just to hold it together, which I’m managing, just barely. I can barely sleep, I can barely eat, people at work keep complimenting my weight loss, and wanting to know my secret. So to say because I’m a guy, I’m incapable of getting hurt, that as a I guy, I’m impervious to heart break, I want to say bullshit. We’re all capable of feeling a vast array of emotion. I feel like a flower that spent years soaking up the sun and suddenly without warning the sunny skies turned to grey and someone took my sunshine away, depriving me light. I don’t even feel like I’m alive, or that I exist, I’m just going through the motions, pretending to be alive, fake smile, empty laugh, doing just about anything to just be left alone.

I believe the whole stereotype about guys just hooking up, or going to bars and drinking away their pain comes from how some of us just want the hurting and the emptiness to stop, to go away. So they try to fill the void with whatever they can, booze, women, even drugs. In the past I’ve tried two out of three but it didn’t really help, just made me feel worse afterwards. All any of us can ever do, is try to forget for a little awhile, but no matter what we do, the memory of what we once had and held so dear always comes back to haunt us. We hate ourselves, we might not always admit it, but we do. We blame ourselves for screwing up, believing that if we just did more, or cared less that maybe, just maybe things would have worked out. We regret every hurtful thing we said in a moment of anger, or jealously. I know in the past, I’ve occasionally said or done things that I regretted, and wished I could take back. But you can’t take back a word after it’s been said. You can’t turn a lie into the honest truth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…everyone falls in love, but sometimes by different degrees and at different times. You may be with someone now who makes you happy but a part of you is scared, or thinks about being with someone else. But I have spoken to several people who told me they had their doubts in a relationship, thought about calling it quits, but for whatever reason they chose not to and realized they did love the person they were with, but didn’t really appreciate or understand the scope of that love. Sometimes it’s when you risk losing something forever that you realize just how much it means to you. Which is why I think we say the phrase, “If you love something let it go, if it comes back it was always meant to be,” but I also believe in fighting for what you want and I believe the moment you stop fighting for love, it can become stale. Which is why I always try to find new and cool things to do together a couple and I why I never stop flirting even after I get the girl, because I learned to appreciate love and I learned how to make sacrifices, as well as compromises.
I don’t care what anyone’s sex is; we’re all still capable of feeling things like joy, sadness, love and heartbreak. My dad is one of the strongest people I know, I can count the times I’ve seen him cry on one hand, using just two fingers. The first time being when he and my mother got a divorced, it didn’t matter that they fought all the time, or that he would sometimes avoid going home just to avoid another fight. He still loved her, as flawed as she was and is, he still loved her, even though he really didn’t even know, or understand why. But that’s how love is, it’s unexplainable, it’s crazy, and it makes morons and fools of us all.

Tags: Broken heart, getting over, heart break, hurt., love, loving you

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Learning to let go & taking the higher road.

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September 28, 2016

Good M’orrow sirs and ladies.
Sorry for the super long and overdue to post. As per usual, this time of year is generally very busy for me, since this is the time of year for Comic cons and Renaissance Fairs, but I’m still alive and still writing.

Admittedly, I have been debating what to actually write about for a few months, there have been a few subjects I’ve been wanting to touch on, gender equality, the upcoming election, ( Which frightens me more than I care to admit) But I’m still hard at work trying to edit “Losers” As well as jumping back into Scars of who we are and prepare that for a book format, which I’ve had a surprisingly number of people either ask, or have suggested that I do, so I decided to finally oblige those fans. But this time I’ll be taking my time and will be focusing more on my struggles with depression and anxiety in hopes it may help someone on their journey through their struggles. Because I’ll admit, that first time was just me getting everything that happened to me out there, it was my therapy which all of you had helped me get through, because putting all those experiences down on paper, which wasn’t easy for me, but I do feel better because of it.

But what prompted this particular entry was the other day when I received a random facebook message from a girl I used to date.

Girl: You’re pitiful.
Me: What I do? (My interest peaked since I haven’t spoken or thought of her in years.)
Girl: You’ve been befriending my friends to get closer to me.
Me: Lol what? Well I assure you, it wasn’t intentional….also I was the one who broke up with you and don’t get me wrong, you’re very cool, smart and absolutely gorgeous woman, up until recently I had thought we had parted on good terms, I’m sorry it happened, I never meant to hurt you in anyway.

Me: (Continued) I had hoped and tried to make us work, but I quickly realized we were two very different people. Plus you lived over an hour and a half away from me at the time and you didn’t drive, so distance had become a bit of an obstacle. Secondly you didn’t seem to ever want to do anything before midnight, which would be the only time you’d tell me you were free to go out and when we did go out, the only thing you wanted to do was go bar hopping. Now I don’t mind going to a bar every once in a while, but the bar scene isn’t really my scene. I’m a dork, a gamer, writer, and a geek. You struck me more as the partier sort.

Me(conti)But still I am really sorry if I hurt you, more so if you really did like me. But seriously, I’m an insomniac so I’m no stranger to staying up till two or three in the morning, though there was no way I could keep up with you, I mean seriously, I don’t have it in me to stay up till seven or eight in the morning, then spend two hours driving home. I’m sorry if wasn’t that clear when I ended things and I’m sorry if I hurt you. I still wish you the absolute best.

Now
I really have no idea how she managed to connect the dots she had and then assume it was me trying to have another go at her. I find the though process baffling and even though I don’t really get it myself, but I guess I can understand the feeling a little somewhat. I admit I used to get a little mad when I saw my friends had become friends, or were still friends with someone who I either broke up with, or who shattered my heart into a hundred million pieces. But then I remind myself I’m being an idiot and need to get over myself, then I move on.

It’s important to remember we all been hurt in a relationship before and I think on some level most of us do hope to run into an ex who broke our heart or that person who turned us down and to have them ask us out again, or to realize they made a mistake. Maybe it’s because we’ve never really moved on from that particular someone, or we never really stopped being in love with them. Maybe a part of us wants to get even and feel the same feeling of rejection and inadequacy they made us feel, maybe we can all be a childish and never want to admit it to anyone, not even ourselves.
Now this girl who contacted me, I had and still have nothing against. I wish her the best and to be honest if she lived a bit closer and if we had a bit more in common I don’t think I would have ever broken up with her. I was being honest when I told her she was beautiful, smart and funny, however I hated going to seedy looking bars all the time, I hated becoming sleep deprived and I REALLY hated he drive. But she was cool, and every time went out, she would play keno, then share her winnings with me to compensate for me my gas and the cost of the drinks. She didn’t have to do it, I never asked her to, but she did it anyway because she was both kind and generous. But I had nothing in common with her.
So I broke things off and had assumed we had managed to remain friends, but I was wrong and wish things were more amicable between us, which saddens me a bit… But there’s nothing I can do, so I’ll move on and hope she does too.

In general, I typically try to remain on good terms with the women I’ve dated, but it wasn’t always and I’m ashamed to admit how childish I would act and the hurtful things that would spew like poison from my mouth and would constantly slander the other person in that after breakup bitch fest that so many of us are guilty of. Where we vent about everything we didn’t like about that person, or make jokes at our ex’s expense, while exclaiming how free we are and how much we’re now better off, awhile missing them terribly and glancing down at our phones in hope we’d see a text from them, saying they were sorry and asking how we were doing. It’s always that weird moment where we find ourselves feeling incredibly hurt, angry, disappointed and yet we cling to those feelings because we were so in love, or become so attached.

I too used to be bitter, childish and spiteful, until one day I had an epiphany. Which was I was being ugly and I didn’t really hate any of the girls I used to date and that me speaking poorly of them, only reflected negatively back on me. Like when you complain and run your mouth about an ex and someone eventually says, “Wow, what did you ever see in them?” Then it slowly hits you and you start thinking about everything good about that relationship and how when you or they decided to end the relationship for whatever reason we’ve handled it poorly. It’s to be expected that the other person involved is going to be a little hurt, upset, wanting to know why and wanting more than anything for it to workout, wanting to know if there’s anything they can do to change to make it work. So it’s very important to be an adult in that situation and be honest, but nice.

I think we’ve all heard “I don’t think we’re going to work…” Or some variation of them saying they don’t feel the same about you anymore, which happens, it sucks, so we try to find out why, beg for a second chance, then we devolve into petty children trying to say some hurtful thing, or doing something out of spite, just to make them regret breaking up with us, for hurting us, while secretly hoping they’d change their mind want to fix things. But usually by then, we’ve already burned that bridge, salted the earth, and dropped an 18 gigaton bomb on what had once been a relationship, then wonder why we never hear from them again.

Yet, I understand most people think it’s weird to be on friendly terms with an ex and even understand some of the jealously that follows when you finally meet someone new and they find out your friends with an ex. But here’s my two cents, you spend anywhere between a few weeks to a few years getting to know each other, bonding and opening up, so throwing all that away the moment things awry. I think most everyone has had that moment, where we realized we had fallen out of love with the person we’ve been with, it’s no one fault, maybe you moved a little too quickly, or maybe you just got comfortable with someone, or maybe one of you stops trying, which causes the fire to out in a relationship. One of you could even meet someone knew who makes you feel invigorated and live, someone who challenges you, then before you know it you find yourself falling deeply and madly in love. Then again, sometimes two people just grow apart, it happens.

I once dated a girl for a few months and as time wore on, I gradually found myself liking her less and less. Then I panicked when I realized I didn’t have any real feelings for her and I was bored. She didn’t challenge me and I had overheard her more than once complaining about our dates. (She didn’t like it when I took her rock climbing, she thought laser tag was too childish, thought the Renaissance Fair was boring, wouldn’t let me buy a magic wand and play the wizard game at the Great Wolf Lodge, got 2 out of ten questions right about me in the couples game we played, while I had gotten 8 out of 10 questions about her right.
Unfortunately, I realized all of this while on the phone with her and in my ignorance, I let it slip,

“Hey, I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.” And then she hung up on me and wouldn’t answer my phone calls or texts. I don’t blame her for being angry, or upset at me, but breakups are hard, and the suck for all parties. So if I’m dating someone and they tell me they want to break things off, I will naturally try to see if it the relationship can be saved or not, and if not, I don’t see the point at making it an ugly, grisly affair. So the lesson here is be nice, listen to the other person and swallow your pride. Yeah it sucks, it hurts and you want to know and understand why, but sometimes it’s just easier and healthier just to apologize, thank them for their honesty, wish them best and walk away.
Being kind at a relationships end have helped me to remain friends with my ex-girlfriends, who have become some of my best friends and confidants. The people I go to for advice, knowing they’ll give me the truth and won’t be afraid of telling me when I’m in the wrong, or being stupid. I do fall out of love with them and learn to respect them and love them as a friend, who also knows they can trust me and ask me advice knowing I’ll answer them honestly. Because they know as much as I do, I always strive to see and understand both sides of an argument, or a person’s motivations. But most importantly I always make a point of reminding them not to launch into her accusation, to be calm, and say something akin to “Hey Tom, I’d like to talk to you about something, you know how I said I didn’t mind if you wanted to take your brother to a strip club for his birthday? Well ever since I said that, you’ve been going every weekend and that’s making me feel like I’m not good enough, that I don’t turn you on anymore and it’s been making me really self-conscious and its really starting to hurt me.” (I find it best to refrain from using the word “you” as often as possible whenever you have a problem with an S.O. Because if you come off too accusatory you’re going to throw them in defense mode, and they’re going to stop listening and beginning telling you everything wrong with you, even if they don’t mean it.)

Seriously though, breakups suck for everyone, even if you think the person who broke up with you is out there right now enjoying themselves. Which isn’t always the case, even the very few times I had to breakup with someone, I’d still be depressed, and would miss them, miss their company even if they made me miserable most of the time. I can’t help it, I become attached to people fairly quickly and hate cutting them out of my life. But I do my best to move on and to make the most of it. So even though breakups may leave you feeling empty, hollowed out, angry and bitter all at the same time, you don’t have to drag it out for so long. No one wants to hear you complain about the person you used to date, but your close friends and family will listen because they love you. (Some may even be toxic and fan the flames) But the best of friends the people who’ve had a chance to grow and mature will all tell you the same thing. Move on, take the high road. If you’re angry, be angry, if you’re sad, be sad, cry all day. But come tomorrow, it’s time to start putting yourself and your house in order. It’s time to get back to living. Being nasty to the person that broke your heart, accomplishes very little, if anything it makes it harder for you to move on and may make them believe they made the right decision, giving them reasons to justify their actions. However if you’re the bigger person, sooner or later they’ll realize how badly they messed things up.

If you follow my advice, you may or may not find yourself one day becoming friends with an ex. Maybe but remember, don’t force it, the key is to leave them alone for a while, (several months-a year or more is the recommended length of time to lost those pesky feelings and jealously issues.) it’s far easier to rekindle a friendship when you end things amicably. And yes, some people may think it’s weird. But the way I look at it, you can spend weeks, months or even years getting to know one another, bonding and it just seems a bit like a waste to throw all that time and effort away. Plus in my experience, being friends with an ex, can be mutually beneficial. Because you have someone who knows you intimately, who can tell you when to just shut up and listen every once in a while, and they say, “Stop being such an ass,” You know it’s coming from a place of love. I still love some of my exes as I know many have love for me. Not romantically I assure you, and I would say like siblings or family, because well that’s just weird, it’s more like loving someone for just being a friend, as being happy for them when they meet that someone who can give them everything we couldn’t, or didn’t feel. Love and respect is the key and always the way to go.

Tags: breakups, getting over, Letting go, moving forward. Exes

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Faith in Relationships The embers that burn against the night

Filed under: Life — 1 Comment

April 28, 2014

“Be happy now, without reason – or you never will be at all.”
― Dan Millman

Our lights can leave scars upon the surface of the sun. So let no one say we’ll be undone by time’s passing, for the memories we are amassing will stand as testament
That somehow we bend minds around the concept that we see others within ourselves.
That self-knowledge can be found on bookshelves. So who we are has no bearing on how we appear. Look directly into every mirror. Realize our reflection is the first sentence to a story
And our story begins here.

We are here and our stories are being written now, so don’t be discouraged when things fall apart and don’t go your way, sometimes life just takes a little while to come together. So don’t end your story prematurely because happiness seems so far off, like a distant memory that feels more like an illusion that isn’t there, or as far out of reach as we are from touching the nearest star. Trust me; I know it’s hard; I’ve been single now for about a year, having a hell of a time to find that one for me. But I’m not letting my failures get me down, because it took a year of being on my own to decide and to finally realize what it is I want and need. I spent a lifetime chasing after love, romanticizing it, putting every girl I chased up on a pedestal, believing they could never do any wrong. I would rush every relationships as if it were a race and wanted nothing more than to be the first to cross that finishing line.Just to find out that the girl had only meant to be out on a stroll and I would find myself standing alone at what I perceived to be the finishing line.

I longed so desperately for love, I would fall quickly and easily, even when I barely knew the person I was falling for, or become so blinded by my infatuations I would always fail to see all the many reasons we were wrong for each other and I would never see it until it was too late, because one, or both of us would have already grown emotionally invested with the other, which would always made breaking up all that much harder, because I would still like them as a person, while she would be head over heals in love with me, or vice versa.

So what do I want? Well, the same thing I think we all essentially want. I want that best friend, who’s also my lover, someone who makes me feel alone even when we’re together. To be perfectly content sitting in a room without talking, content with knowing that she is there. To be reading, while she’s watching tv, drawing, or writing. Someone who I catch staring at me sometimes, and hear her say,
“God, I love you.”

Sometimes we need some time alone in order grow.

If I’ve learned anything from my past relationships its this, you can’t rush love. You can’t make it happen just because you want it too. Much like a flower, it needs time to grow and it’ll never happen with you hovering and over watering it, trying to will it grow. Because love is something that you both choose and something that just happens and it happens in its own time. So I know what it’s like, to see the finish line and wanting to break into a dead sprint until you’ve reached your destination, but life is a stroll and this how God does things, to teach us and to give us time to grow as human beings, to discover ourselves and what it is we want, need.

Take my ex-girlfriend (In case any of you may be wondering, I did tell her what I wanted to write about and asked for her permission, she’s kinda awesome for agreeing to it) for example who since we had broken up, had become a good and trusted friend. But it took a while for us to realize we made better friends then we did lovers.

I first met Abby on face-book through a mutual friend and at the time she had no clear pictures of herself online, so I was already living dangerously in that regard. But we talked and stalked each other’s facebook, for a long time before deciding that we should meet in person by going to a haunted house.

And I dug her; I dug her as soon as I laid eyes on her. To me she represented (at the time) my perfect woman, she was short, athletic, bold, feisty and a red haired goddess. (I always had a bit of an weakness when it comes to redheads and short girls, so she was two for two) Naturally I found her to be absolutely drop dead gorgeous and the fact she wasn’t a man, didn’t have a mustache, a beard, or weigh as much as my car, I was at the same time relieved. But the best thing about her was that she dug me too, in fact her first words to me were,

Our first date, how was I not suppose to fall in love with her.

“Your pictures do you no justice; you’re much better looking in person.” And for someone who’s always been a little self-conscious of his appearance, (thanks to every girl who turned me down in High School) this made me feel like I was on top of the world. (You see ladies; it’s a huge turn on when you help us out with making the first move, because the best kind of guy will always be a little shy) Better yet, she could barely keep her eyes off me and throughout the night I saw her stealing repeated glances in my direction, which would make my smile widen every time. (Which yeah could have been bad since she was the one driving but at the same time it always feels good to feel attracted to.)

As the night progressed we found ourselves clicking and there were no awkward silences between us, with every lull in conversation leading to us simply enjoying the other’s company. She was fun, goofy, smart, coy, honest and flirtatious. (which only caused my heart to swell all the more with the feelings I already felt for her)

Some part of me could sensed that I was as different for her as she was to me. Because before then I never met anyone so bold, who said whatever she felt without holding anything back. But what I sensed about her is hard to explain, I don’t know if it’s just me being a writer, or me being intuitive, or something else entirely, but I sensed in her a kindred spirit, I knew she had been hurt numerous times before, used, lied too, objectified, betrayed and broken.

So by the end of the night, when neither one of us wanted to part ways just yet, I suggested we go to a park near my house, where we played on the swings and the jungle gm like children, laughing all the while as we rejoiced and danced beneath a sea of stars, forgetting our matching scars, and it was then, as I was helping her up from the slide, that I looked into her eyes and saw a purity, a joy and the girl who she thought she lost. There was an innocence about her then, her inner child finally being allowed to come out and play. At the same time I understood this was the first time she ever truly let go, and relished in the moment as it was.

Later I learn she had a bit of a sordid past. She had a bit of a history that she wasn’t too proud of. Many of us has made mistakes, and had done things when we were younger that we’re not so proud of later on after we’ve grown a little bit older and wiser. I know this, because she insisted on telling me everything before we started dating out of fear I would discover her past and would leave her prematurely, without letting the person she was now shine through, thus breaking her heart. But I come from a place where I believe the past is in the past, while the present is now. We all make mistakes, missteps and do or have done things we’ve later grown to regret, it’s a part of life. No one really knows what dark corners, or avenues our lives may lead us, but what’s important is we find our way out. Also, as a Christian, I believe it’s hypocritical to judge someone for their past, since after all, Jesus Christ had died for our sins and not one of us today can say we live without sin, which is why we pray and ask for forgiveness. (Besides, I don’t think couples should hold one’s past against them. There’s nothing you or they can do about it. Besides if you can’t get over a person’s past, I believe you really need to ask why you’re involved with the person that are with.) Because you’re not the same person you were two years ago, and you weren’t even the person you are now then you were two days ago. Because we’re all changing, every day we learn something new and have experiences that change us forever. (Myself I used to by a child of hate, I was brought up to hate and despise homosexuality. I was prejudice, using words such as gay and fag with negative connotations to them. But I later grew to see that people are just people, I trained myself to stop using those words of bigotry and hatred, apologizing for my previous behavior. But I was young, stupid, naive, and grew up in a house where I was told I needed to hate these groups of people. But I changed and grew to accept and love everyone I meet. Greeting them as friends.)

Abby and me rejoicing in our love for the our favorite Holiday.

But I digress and with Abby and regardless of her many attempts to test me and push me away out of fear I would hurt inevitably hurt her, we eventually began dating “officially” And for a while our relationship was perfect, but every new relationship is typically great and smooth sailing as you’re still getting to know each other. Consumed with the idea that the other is perfect, and wanting to impress them by showing them only the best version of yourself. So if you’re having problems at the beginning of a relationship, you should probably bail out while you can.

For me it took about four months for the cracks to begin to show. When we first met, she didn’t like me spending money on her, but as time progressed, she began demanding I spend more and more of my money on her, eventually demanding I take her to a restaurants that were hundred dollars a plate, which was the point where I had to finally put my foot down and tell her I couldn’t afford that kind of lifestyle. Plus, the relationship became less about us and more about her, I was suddenly expected to take her out all the time, pay for all the dinners, entertainment, as well as buying her new clothes, movies, etc. Which again lead to more conflict as I began standing my ground and say no to all frivolous spending and explain that she was making me feel more like I was her own personal piggy bank than a boyfriend, and I was sinking more and more into debt. Which I was.

The longer I stayed in the relationship, the more I saw how different and our values were so vastly apart from each others. But still I clung to this image I had of her when we first met, this sweet, funny, clever and sexy girl, who had never been appreciated or treated like a person. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle to this other person who I never knew was there. Yet I had faith that there was this better person beneath it all. Nowadays I’m happy to report she had proved me right, but back then I had blinded myself to all the signs telling me she wasn’t the for me, I was too busy putting her up on a pedestal, giving her excuses and overlooking everything I didn’t like about her, giving myself excuses for her behavior. Even though being with her was making me more and more miserable.

One of our major issues was my faith, and she was somewhere in-between being spiritual/agnostic and atheism, she believed my faith was a joke, a crutch. And this was accompanied with her wanting us to be swingers,and to have threesomes, (Yes with another girl, her and me) But both issues were something I couldn’t get behind, which lead to more arguing, and her believing my faith had emotionally and sexually stunted me to the point where I couldn’t see how meaningful the experience could be for the both of us. . (Call me a romantic….or an idiot if you want, but I’ve always been a one woman guy and I can’t share these intimacies with more than one person, despite knowing that most guys would kill to have the opportunity, but it’s just something I can’t see myself going through with, my heart rally’s against the very thought, telling me it’s wrong.)

But this story isn’t all about me, or how bad she was back then, (And trust me it wasn’t all her fault) this is a story about how God works. So if that makes you upset, I apologize, it was never my intention to preach at anyone. But I wanted to take a moment to point out something. Despite how wrong we were for each-other, or how unhappy she was making me, I still clung to this relationship as though it was a life line, and letting go meant only certain death. I made myself think and believe I loved her, when in truth every day it felt like I was falling more out of love with her. But it wasn’t all her fault, she had suffered from bi-polar disorder, as well as depression. And I should have stood my ground earlier and not let things get out of hand as they did. I should have sat her down and had a calm and rational conversation with her about our relationship and our needs and what we wanted. Maybe we would have worked things out, or maybe parted more amicably and wouldn’t have exploded in as many shouting matches, and would have resulted in less hurt feelings.

You see, many people jump into relationships and like many of us do begin to run, and race to that ultimate goal of marriage before we even know if that person is right for us or not. Maybe, that person is just a stepping stone, a guiding light, taking you one step closer to the person you’re suppose to be with. You see, this is what I believe, I believe it’s all a journey and it teaches us and we carry something with us out of every failed relationship, which helps to shape and mold us into better people. Sometimes we need be schooled and hurt in love, so that when it really does come for real, we can appreciate it even more, because we’ve learned from past mistakes and grew as individuals. Which is probably why I remained good friends and have managed to maintain friendships with many of my Exes. Of course, don’t try to savage a friendship right away, we all need time to heal and recover. For me this usually takes about six moths.

And if you can rekindle or even start a friendship it’s amazing, I’ve witnessed this incredible change in Abby, who was once selfish, arrogant, greedy, a gold digger and incredibly vain, (to the extent whenever I was driving she had to keep my vanity mirror down so she could keep checking herself out) And had grown addicted to her computer, phone and facebook, to the extent she couldn’t have a conversation with you without posting about it, or looking at her phone.

Abby and her boyfriend Evan,
I haven’t met him yet,
but they look like an absolutely
couple. I couldn’t be happier for her.

But now, this girl who I never expected to find meaning, or God, has found just that. She’s been saved, and regularly attends church, she went from someone who only thought about herself, to this amazing girl who now goes out of her way to help someone in need. It’s like this shadow has been lifted from her eyes and a weight from her shoulders and I can tell you, she’s finally free, she’s happy and a joy to be around. She’s even met a good Christian Guy and now dreams and prays for the day where he proposes to her and they get married. (Back when I was with her, she was opposed to marriage with every fiber of her being)
And I’m extremely happy for her and proud, as well as blessed for having witness her incredible transformation, for being able to call her my friend. I never expecting to see God work in such a way. Which makes me sit back and with a smile as I think back on the day when we first met in what feels like so very long ago and having the honor of being the witness to it all.

We never could get it to work her and I, and back then, it felt like I was walking through a life sucking mine field of psychological barbwire, day after day,until there was nothing left of me but a dried up human husk of the person I used to be.

But we’ve all done it, got involved with someone we shouldn’t who was just all wrong for us and stayed too long. Even worse is when we stay in horrible, life draining, enjoyment killing relationships for the worse reasons, and even worse excuses.
being miserable in relationships we know are going nowhere. Some stay out of habit, or fear that they might have to go out of it alone for awhile. I’ve done it too, I’ve ignored, or excused all the red flags and signs telling me I should really reconsider the relationship I was in.

But either out of fear, or some perverse sense of loyalty we stay, and blindly trudge ever forward, no matter how bad or trying the relationship gets. It doesn’t matter how many times that person drags you down, leaving you feeling frayed, as you cling ever tighter these bad relationships, that only drag us further down into this sea of regret, all the while believing this other person is our life preserver.

The worse part of it is this; it’s us who cling and hold on so tightly. When all we have to do is let go. It took me awhile to let go of Abby, fighting the urge to call or text her just to see how she was doing, to hear her voice. But I knew we both needed time apart, time to grow and learn. So I know it’s hard, but I think sometimes we all need to stop making excuses and just walk away. Maybe you’re right for each other, but you’re not right for each other right now, maybe you’re just meant to be friends, or simply serve as a lesson in the school of life. I always tell my friends if they’re unhappy in their relationship they should take a step back, take a break, or break up. Life is too short to waste time being unhappy with someone who’s just wrong for you, or who just drags you down. Yeah it’s going to be hard, yeah they’ll be tears, begging for another chance and promises of change. But none of it will ever be enough unless the both of you take some time apart and grow.

I began writing this after a long conversation I had with a friend, whom I asked if she was really in love with this person, or if she was in love with the idea of them, the idea of love and the prospect of a wedding? these are questions we all have to ask ourselves at some point in our lives.

Look at Abby and myself, once upon a time we were head over heels in love, and we were that annoying lovey-dovey couple who could never take our lives off each other and couldn’t stop flirting and touching, making everyone think we’d end up married. But we kinda fell apart, I couldn’t be the guy she wanted, and she couldn’t be the girl I wanted. Because we both wanted and needed something else, something more. If we would have stayed together, we probably would have ended up killing each-other, or just making each-other miserable for the rest of our lives.

But thankfully, we’ve both changed and because of that, she’s became an awesome person, an amazing friend and I wouldn’t trade the memories, good or bad for the world. Because she taught me a lot without ever realizing it. She taught me that I should really get to know someone before getting into a relationship with them and she taught me that I should and how to stand my ground, how to say no, as well as how to have confidence.

You see, they say people change, but they never say how much, how much have you changed during the course of your life?

Sometimes we get lonely, and desperate for love, we look for it in all the wrong places. We make poor choices and relationship mistakes, because we’re trying to run, instead of taking the time to walk with that person and getting to know them, letting the love we feel flow through us naturally and grow on its own time.