Good M’orrow sirs and ladies.
Sorry for the super long and overdue to post. As per usual, this time of year is generally very busy for me, since this is the time of year for Comic cons and Renaissance Fairs, but I’m still alive and still writing.
Admittedly, I have been debating what to actually write about for a few months, there have been a few subjects I’ve been wanting to touch on, gender equality, the upcoming election, ( Which frightens me more than I care to admit) But I’m still hard at work trying to edit “Losers” As well as jumping back into Scars of who we are and prepare that for a book format, which I’ve had a surprisingly number of people either ask, or have suggested that I do, so I decided to finally oblige those fans. But this time I’ll be taking my time and will be focusing more on my struggles with depression and anxiety in hopes it may help someone on their journey through their struggles. Because I’ll admit, that first time was just me getting everything that happened to me out there, it was my therapy which all of you had helped me get through, because putting all those experiences down on paper, which wasn’t easy for me, but I do feel better because of it.
But what prompted this particular entry was the other day when I received a random facebook message from a girl I used to date.
Girl: You’re pitiful.
Me: What I do? (My interest peaked since I haven’t spoken or thought of her in years.)
Girl: You’ve been befriending my friends to get closer to me.
Me: Lol what? Well I assure you, it wasn’t intentional….also I was the one who broke up with you and don’t get me wrong, you’re very cool, smart and absolutely gorgeous woman, up until recently I had thought we had parted on good terms, I’m sorry it happened, I never meant to hurt you in anyway.
Me: (Continued) I had hoped and tried to make us work, but I quickly realized we were two very different people. Plus you lived over an hour and a half away from me at the time and you didn’t drive, so distance had become a bit of an obstacle. Secondly you didn’t seem to ever want to do anything before midnight, which would be the only time you’d tell me you were free to go out and when we did go out, the only thing you wanted to do was go bar hopping. Now I don’t mind going to a bar every once in a while, but the bar scene isn’t really my scene. I’m a dork, a gamer, writer, and a geek. You struck me more as the partier sort.
Me(conti)But still I am really sorry if I hurt you, more so if you really did like me. But seriously, I’m an insomniac so I’m no stranger to staying up till two or three in the morning, though there was no way I could keep up with you, I mean seriously, I don’t have it in me to stay up till seven or eight in the morning, then spend two hours driving home. I’m sorry if wasn’t that clear when I ended things and I’m sorry if I hurt you. I still wish you the absolute best.
I really have no idea how she managed to connect the dots she had and then assume it was me trying to have another go at her. I find the though process baffling and even though I don’t really get it myself, but I guess I can understand the feeling a little somewhat. I admit I used to get a little mad when I saw my friends had become friends, or were still friends with someone who I either broke up with, or who shattered my heart into a hundred million pieces. But then I remind myself I’m being an idiot and need to get over myself, then I move on.
It’s important to remember we all been hurt in a relationship before and I think on some level most of us do hope to run into an ex who broke our heart or that person who turned us down and to have them ask us out again, or to realize they made a mistake. Maybe it’s because we’ve never really moved on from that particular someone, or we never really stopped being in love with them. Maybe a part of us wants to get even and feel the same feeling of rejection and inadequacy they made us feel, maybe we can all be a childish and never want to admit it to anyone, not even ourselves.
Now this girl who contacted me, I had and still have nothing against. I wish her the best and to be honest if she lived a bit closer and if we had a bit more in common I don’t think I would have ever broken up with her. I was being honest when I told her she was beautiful, smart and funny, however I hated going to seedy looking bars all the time, I hated becoming sleep deprived and I REALLY hated he drive. But she was cool, and every time went out, she would play keno, then share her winnings with me to compensate for me my gas and the cost of the drinks. She didn’t have to do it, I never asked her to, but she did it anyway because she was both kind and generous. But I had nothing in common with her.
So I broke things off and had assumed we had managed to remain friends, but I was wrong and wish things were more amicable between us, which saddens me a bit… But there’s nothing I can do, so I’ll move on and hope she does too.
In general, I typically try to remain on good terms with the women I’ve dated, but it wasn’t always and I’m ashamed to admit how childish I would act and the hurtful things that would spew like poison from my mouth and would constantly slander the other person in that after breakup bitch fest that so many of us are guilty of. Where we vent about everything we didn’t like about that person, or make jokes at our ex’s expense, while exclaiming how free we are and how much we’re now better off, awhile missing them terribly and glancing down at our phones in hope we’d see a text from them, saying they were sorry and asking how we were doing. It’s always that weird moment where we find ourselves feeling incredibly hurt, angry, disappointed and yet we cling to those feelings because we were so in love, or become so attached.
I too used to be bitter, childish and spiteful, until one day I had an epiphany. Which was I was being ugly and I didn’t really hate any of the girls I used to date and that me speaking poorly of them, only reflected negatively back on me. Like when you complain and run your mouth about an ex and someone eventually says, “Wow, what did you ever see in them?” Then it slowly hits you and you start thinking about everything good about that relationship and how when you or they decided to end the relationship for whatever reason we’ve handled it poorly. It’s to be expected that the other person involved is going to be a little hurt, upset, wanting to know why and wanting more than anything for it to workout, wanting to know if there’s anything they can do to change to make it work. So it’s very important to be an adult in that situation and be honest, but nice.
I think we’ve all heard “I don’t think we’re going to work…” Or some variation of them saying they don’t feel the same about you anymore, which happens, it sucks, so we try to find out why, beg for a second chance, then we devolve into petty children trying to say some hurtful thing, or doing something out of spite, just to make them regret breaking up with us, for hurting us, while secretly hoping they’d change their mind want to fix things. But usually by then, we’ve already burned that bridge, salted the earth, and dropped an 18 gigaton bomb on what had once been a relationship, then wonder why we never hear from them again.
Yet, I understand most people think it’s weird to be on friendly terms with an ex and even understand some of the jealously that follows when you finally meet someone new and they find out your friends with an ex. But here’s my two cents, you spend anywhere between a few weeks to a few years getting to know each other, bonding and opening up, so throwing all that away the moment things awry. I think most everyone has had that moment, where we realized we had fallen out of love with the person we’ve been with, it’s no one fault, maybe you moved a little too quickly, or maybe you just got comfortable with someone, or maybe one of you stops trying, which causes the fire to out in a relationship. One of you could even meet someone knew who makes you feel invigorated and live, someone who challenges you, then before you know it you find yourself falling deeply and madly in love. Then again, sometimes two people just grow apart, it happens.
I once dated a girl for a few months and as time wore on, I gradually found myself liking her less and less. Then I panicked when I realized I didn’t have any real feelings for her and I was bored. She didn’t challenge me and I had overheard her more than once complaining about our dates. (She didn’t like it when I took her rock climbing, she thought laser tag was too childish, thought the Renaissance Fair was boring, wouldn’t let me buy a magic wand and play the wizard game at the Great Wolf Lodge, got 2 out of ten questions right about me in the couples game we played, while I had gotten 8 out of 10 questions about her right.
Unfortunately, I realized all of this while on the phone with her and in my ignorance, I let it slip,
“Hey, I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.” And then she hung up on me and wouldn’t answer my phone calls or texts. I don’t blame her for being angry, or upset at me, but breakups are hard, and the suck for all parties. So if I’m dating someone and they tell me they want to break things off, I will naturally try to see if it the relationship can be saved or not, and if not, I don’t see the point at making it an ugly, grisly affair. So the lesson here is be nice, listen to the other person and swallow your pride. Yeah it sucks, it hurts and you want to know and understand why, but sometimes it’s just easier and healthier just to apologize, thank them for their honesty, wish them best and walk away.
Being kind at a relationships end have helped me to remain friends with my ex-girlfriends, who have become some of my best friends and confidants. The people I go to for advice, knowing they’ll give me the truth and won’t be afraid of telling me when I’m in the wrong, or being stupid. I do fall out of love with them and learn to respect them and love them as a friend, who also knows they can trust me and ask me advice knowing I’ll answer them honestly. Because they know as much as I do, I always strive to see and understand both sides of an argument, or a person’s motivations. But most importantly I always make a point of reminding them not to launch into her accusation, to be calm, and say something akin to “Hey Tom, I’d like to talk to you about something, you know how I said I didn’t mind if you wanted to take your brother to a strip club for his birthday? Well ever since I said that, you’ve been going every weekend and that’s making me feel like I’m not good enough, that I don’t turn you on anymore and it’s been making me really self-conscious and its really starting to hurt me.” (I find it best to refrain from using the word “you” as often as possible whenever you have a problem with an S.O. Because if you come off too accusatory you’re going to throw them in defense mode, and they’re going to stop listening and beginning telling you everything wrong with you, even if they don’t mean it.)
Seriously though, breakups suck for everyone, even if you think the person who broke up with you is out there right now enjoying themselves. Which isn’t always the case, even the very few times I had to breakup with someone, I’d still be depressed, and would miss them, miss their company even if they made me miserable most of the time. I can’t help it, I become attached to people fairly quickly and hate cutting them out of my life. But I do my best to move on and to make the most of it. So even though breakups may leave you feeling empty, hollowed out, angry and bitter all at the same time, you don’t have to drag it out for so long. No one wants to hear you complain about the person you used to date, but your close friends and family will listen because they love you. (Some may even be toxic and fan the flames) But the best of friends the people who’ve had a chance to grow and mature will all tell you the same thing. Move on, take the high road. If you’re angry, be angry, if you’re sad, be sad, cry all day. But come tomorrow, it’s time to start putting yourself and your house in order. It’s time to get back to living. Being nasty to the person that broke your heart, accomplishes very little, if anything it makes it harder for you to move on and may make them believe they made the right decision, giving them reasons to justify their actions. However if you’re the bigger person, sooner or later they’ll realize how badly they messed things up.
If you follow my advice, you may or may not find yourself one day becoming friends with an ex. Maybe but remember, don’t force it, the key is to leave them alone for a while, (several months-a year or more is the recommended length of time to lost those pesky feelings and jealously issues.) it’s far easier to rekindle a friendship when you end things amicably. And yes, some people may think it’s weird. But the way I look at it, you can spend weeks, months or even years getting to know one another, bonding and it just seems a bit like a waste to throw all that time and effort away. Plus in my experience, being friends with an ex, can be mutually beneficial. Because you have someone who knows you intimately, who can tell you when to just shut up and listen every once in a while, and they say, “Stop being such an ass,” You know it’s coming from a place of love. I still love some of my exes as I know many have love for me. Not romantically I assure you, and I would say like siblings or family, because well that’s just weird, it’s more like loving someone for just being a friend, as being happy for them when they meet that someone who can give them everything we couldn’t, or didn’t feel. Love and respect is the key and always the way to go.